phoenixcassian

the mirror is a curse to me, my body fails me. every time i catch a glimpse of my feminine hips and my large chest, i cringe, hold back tears. even with  my chest tightly bound, i'm not flat enough, will never be flat enough. even though i struggle to breathe, i'm not flat enough. will never be flat enough. i'm not a real man, the voice of paranoia says. real men are flat. real men don't have to wear six layers of clothing to look like real men. real men don't have to shake every time they have to piss. i cringe when i catch my reflection in the mirror, and that is something you will never have to understand. you'll never

a little black dress does not mean "I want you to put your hands all over me." a short skirt does not mean that I want you to whisper into my ears. a v-neck does not mean that you can stare at my breasts. high heels do not mean that you can touch my ass in the dance floor. a short skirt and a tank top do not mean that you can catcall at me in the ally. my clothes are not my consent.

isn't it funny how a person as broken as i seems to have the ability to fix everything for everyone except for me. maybe because i have so many cracks, so many flaws, i'm able to slip into the deep dark places no one else wants to. you wonder how i can smile when i'm going through such pain (something that you swear you couldn't live through) until you realize this isn't anything special to me. this is every day. living in this life is learning to accept that things may not get better in the way they say it will. but living in this life is learning that you have to appreciate every second of happiness when life is g

and sometimes/ you think i'm joking/ when i say/ my heart is open/ broken but open/ ready to be filled/ with you/ and the things that matter to you/ the things that make you you/ are the things that help me/ find myself/ i find myself in you.

sometimes when i look at my childhood i find myself wondering when was the moment i knew i was a boy? when was the first time i wanted to harm myself? would i have ever gone through with killing myself? what would have happened to me if my mother had said 'baby, dress however you want. you can wear a dress or pants. go ahead, run around. you don't need to paint yr nails pink.' how much happier would i have been? would my depression be like this? would i be scared every second like i am now? how different would it be every time i use the bathroom? would i still cringe in fear and pray to a god i don't even believe in that no one

When you say retarded, and you mean that you think something is silly, say silly. You could be talking about someone's sibling, or spouse, or parent. And when you say that's gay, you could be talking about me. And when you call someone emo, you could be talking about my best friend. And when you make rape jokes, you could be making someone cry and have awful flashbacks of when they were raped. And when you tell someone to go kill themself, you could be one of the reasons that my best friend, Cody Barker, killed himself in September. Think about the powers that your words hold. Use them carefully. Words can make someone smile, and words

my skin holds falsehoods in like blood. the space between my thighs is filled with lies. my eyes are miscoloured and wrong. my breasts know that they are unwanted. my teeth know they will never be good enough. my lips know that they are not soft enough. my body is filled with lies.

Fantastic, incredible, perfect. That was the only way Christian could explain the first night zie spent in the arms of hir lover. Romantic. And it wasn't just about the sex. For once in hir life, Christian slept with someone, in both the most and least innocent meanings of the word, and enjoyed it. There was a connection. A chemistry. A bang. Christian lay awake for an hour after hir lover was asleep, just staring at the person who somehow managed to repair hir faith in humanity after years of abuse. "Baby?" Christian whispered, running hir hands over hir lover's soft, silky hair, as xie slept calmly, a small but noticeable smile on h